Notes from a KnuttyKnitter

A silly quiz!

1. Name one song that reminds you of an ex.
Stumped on the 1st question - this does not bode well for me

2. Where was your default pic from?
Walden Pond, Fall 2006  

3. What's your middle name?
Plum

4. Relationship status?
Um, complicated?

5. How do you feel about kids?
I love them!  Particularly when I can play with 'em and then go home :-)  But I'm also really looking forward to having my own.

6. What is your current mood?
Relaxed

7. What color underwear are you wearing?
White, I'm kinda boringly attired today

8. What makes you happy?
Family, good friends, puppies, cuddly babies,

9. What makes you sad?
Lots of things

10. What life experience do you feel you haven't had yet, but want to?
Being a momma

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you be?
I think a monkey, then I could throw poop at people that piss me off

12. Ever had a near death experience?
Nope

13. Something you do a lot?
Knit, talk, watch TV

14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
Old skool 90210 music

15. Who did you copy and paste this from?
Siercia

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
An old college friend

17. When was the last time you cried?
Today, I was reading this blog

18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Yeah, I was a diva in my day

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Get my way, always ;-)

20. First thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Face (general, yes)

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Grande non-fat hazelnut latte

22. Favorite romantic gesture?
I forget what romance is

23. Favorite color?
Sometimes pink, lately I've been liking orange

24. When was the last time you lied?
No idea

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
On occasion

26. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Silly TV shows on DVD (currently watching 90210, Season 1)

27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Just finished stuffed salmon and steamed veggies - yum!

28. Do you speak any other language?
Minimal French, more minimal Spanish.  And I was getting towards fluent-ish in ASL, but don't use it enough.

29. What's your favorite smell?
Oh, interesting question.  Ocean and clean sheets from the clothesline.

30. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
Fluctuating

31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
I think last nite when I left a friend's house

32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
Yes

33. What are you thinking about right now?
90210, getting in my PJs, dessert

34. What should you be doing?
Cleaning the house

35. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
A situation at work - not angry, just really sad

36. Do you like yourself?
Yeah, most of the time.

37. Do you like working in the yard?
I think I would like to have a small garden, but in the past, no.

38. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
What a bizarre question.  I'm pretty content with my current last name.

39. Do you act differently around your crush?
Yeah, probably

40. How many times have you fallen madly in love?
A few

41. Are you still in love with your partner?
See #4

42. What is the biggest dream you have had manifest?
Being an adult?  I don't know.  These questions are getting too deep for a Saturday evening.

43. What is your dearest dream you have had to leave behind?
Having kids, but it's just been temporarily left behind.

44. What are some of your favorite toys (kids' toys, not grown-up toys)?
I love [some] board games, coloring is quite relaxing too.

45. What is your darkest desire?
See #42

46. Of all the things you have had to give up on your path in this life, what do you miss the most?
I'm trying not to have regrets, but I miss semi-constant companionship

47. What change are you working on?
Stability, being a control freak, acceptance

48. Do you have any friends you just can't stand?
Yeah :-(

49. What are your top five prized possessions (tangible objects)?
Too deep for me right now

50. If you were having a platonic friend visit for a week, what are some things you would want to do with them?
I agree with Siercia - Depends on the friend, and what they liked to do.

This is what happens when I'm getting ready to go on a trip - I've started too many knitting projects, shopped too much, and now this!  Clearly I am not packing for Israel or cleaning up the house.

Bold the ones that you have done, commentary/explanations are welcome.  I've done exactly 1/2.  This reminds me of the "Life List" that I wrote in 7th grade....  I should go back and revisit that - it would be interesting to see how much like and not like my 7th grade self I am :-)

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee Jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (it didn’t last long)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (I can’t, but I donated bone marrow)
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (in my bed right now)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (thank you “Publishing Lab” in elementary school!)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem (well, I will in 3 days)
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had Chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life (see #64)
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

I've been remiss in my blog up-keep.  It COULD be very therapeutic, but instead I find myself needing to be vague, guarded, and it's the antithesis of therapy.  And really, who wants to read the weekly travails of a weepy and mostly sad me?  I don't even want to read that shit and I'm living it. 

And now for the good stuff... 
Things that suck:
Divorce
Feeling rootless
Not having a permanent full time job
Being sad

Things that don't suck:
3 months off anti-depressants!
Finally going to Israel
Knitting socks

When I was little, and similarly tending towards the negative, my mom used to ask me how school was.  I would list a ton of shitty things 1st.  Momma made a rule - for every bad thing, I had to have 3 good.  I should implement that in my daily life again I think.

Yep, I'm still alive and breathing, despite no posts for over a month.  Maybe that will be my September resolution?  Probably not though - I'm hoping for a real job by then....

 

The wedding pictures were out last nite......  I tried to not pay attention, but they are still out this morning and I just looked so damn happy (and pretty fucking gorgeous too!).  What the hell does one do with amazingly beautiful wedding pictures in times like these? 

Today consisted of a number of scintillating occurrences:
(1) Made it to therapy.....early!
(2) Gained a new respect for my PCP and her office
(3) Packed my 1st and 2nd boxes - 1=knitting books, 2=social work-y books.  Next in line is sweaters and other books.
(4) Watched a wonderful movie which reminded me for the millionth time why I chose social work.  The principal, Deanna Burney, is AMAZING!  Talk about difficult, yet rewarding, work environments!
(5) Had a successful conversation w/supervisor re: client complaint (my 1st ever!!!!)

This weekend I get to see the fabulous soon-to-be Dr. Z who is in town for the weekend!  And then ANOTHER grad party, a housewarming party, and another grad-ish party :-)  Busy and hopefully sunny and warm (I got a cute new skirt and fabulous new shoes that I wanna wear!).

I have so pretty amazing people in my life. And some of them know me pretty darn well..... I got the BEST graduation present ever from the one and only Z.  The card said non-professional, for my days off.  Luckily today is one of those magical days :-)

Apt has been deposited upon - July 1st is the big day!  And!  Josh found one too!

Tattoo consult yesterday - now I just have to do it!

I'm now off to get my hair cut shorter (I was given a week to decide if I liked it.  I do, but I'd like it better shorter) and then knitting brunch :-)

On the up-swing, at least for the time being!  I think I'll be a glass is half full person from now on :-)

Whine #1:  So I have this friend, or I thought I did.....  Something happened though and the dynamic has totally shifted.  Leaving me feeling like I'm constantly apologizing for everything and begging forgiveness when I know not what I've done.  And really, when it comes down to it - she lied to me big time and it should kinda be her apologizing...  Something about dependancy and needy-ness?!
What is it that makes us (ok, maybe just me) gravitate towards people who do not treat us with the respect we deserve and should demand?

Yay #1:  I *think* I found THE apartment!  It's in Belmont and is beautiful.  I just hope the Sister gets her hiney out here and gets a job!

Whine #2:  I'm feeling like a horrible wife.  Wait a minute....  I'm feeling like a horrible person as J is so sad lately (as am I off and on) and I think as our situation becomes more and more tangible, the realness is really hurting him.  Interestingly I feel more guilty now about our situation than I have in the past....  Wonder what that's all about?  Someone who's been through this - words of wisdom?

Yay #2:  Had a somewhat bizarre interview yesterday (very last minute, very not planned out, very much with HR and not a single social worker) for a temp position, but if I get it, it's a foot in the door....of Cambridge Health Alliance.

I think that's it for now.  I'm tired.  Have clients tomorrow.  Am ready for a new job, which I hope does not mean that each time I get close to a yr in any job I get tired of it......

No pix of the new hair cut, but it's shorter, a little bang-ish, and pretty cute :-)
The new top mentioned in the last post was fabulous and if I could wear it daily, I think I might.
J got to go home to Tiny Town, GA for the 1st time in months - she's down to treatment every other week now!
Oh, and I officially have my MSW!

1.  I made a diagnosis for insurance/treatment purposes and it's now forever on someone's record?!
2.  I'm ready for a change....so I looked here and here - at noon you'll find me here :-)
3.  I bought a new top which necessitates bra-less-ness

3.9 this semester......OMFG!!!!!

I hesitate to even open up livejournal these days since it seems that all I have time for is pity parties and I don't want to subject others to my whining.  And then I realized that this is for me and part of the catharsis is expressing. 

For some reason, process perhaps?, this past week has been the toughest yet for me emotionally.  Chalk it up to about 75 life altering transitions maybe? 

The intellectual, rational me (we'll call that the IRM) KNOWS that it will be very hard, harder than I could have imagined.  And the IRM, for some reason, thinks that knowing will help soften the blow.  A friend told me that separating and the following divorce was the worst experience ever.  When I heard this the first time, I didn't pay as much attention as I might have.  Again, thinking that I am different some how and that my situation is different.  And then it hit me - I'm NOT that different.  Sure we all feel and think in our own ways, but this truely is the most difficult thing I've ever done and the process has just started.   

What makes things very hard is that I do still love Hubbs and I know I'll miss him, but something, somewhere, has brought me to this point and I have to go with my gut.  HAVE TO.  Even when the easiest thing would be to forget it all, ask for forgiveness, and go on as we had for the past 10ish yrs. 

T (therapist extraordinaire) encouraged me to write myself affirmation cards that I can look at when needed.  Today I thought that perhaps one of them could be a phone a friend reminder....  But sometimes there is no one to listen.  Sometimes this is a very private pain that regardless of how you explain it, analyze it, try to work with it, it just needs to be.  And that is very hard. 

I'm tired and it's just beginning.  I don't want to spend my summer in and out of tears and doubt.  This is when I need my fairy godmother to make the right thing happen.  This is when I need to not be an adult, making very adult decisions, and not making them well. 

And then there are the good days - the days where I can laugh, go about my life and be hopeful.... until I realize what's happening around me and that it's mostly my doing. 

I want to stop the train, I want to curl up small and be taken care of.  And most of all, I want to not hurt, not be hurting others.

I found it!  It's baby giggles - the cure to all that ails you....almost.

I am currently counting my many blessings and reminding myself that I am very lucky.  Sometimes I need to remind myself more often.

The count down has stagnated, at least in terms of work getting done.  I have one paper left and seriously contemplated hiring someone to write it for me, that's how done I feel.  I think I'm all talk though and could never go through with it, which is a good thing!

And today, in the glorious sunshine, Little Miss L and I went shopping and out for lunch in Coolidge Corner - twas quite nice to see chubby baby thighs peeking out of the stroller instead of layers of blankets and snowsuits!
 

We would like to remind you to stop and smell the flowers......

Or maybe just eat them :-)

I love this child!  I can't believe that she's starting daycare in 2 weeks :-(  Until then, I will bombard my knitting and bitching space with cuteness.

And an updated count down - 10 days until classes are over (but none this week) and 11 days until internship is over.  And then what?  That's TBA :-)

*Stepping up on my pedestal*
Stress makes people crazy
Boys are dumb
Decision making sucks
Sometimes, cuddling with Bearded Dragons makes it all better
*And stepping down*

...barely.
I have 22 days left.  That's 22 days until I have finished all course work and internship.  16 days after that, I will walk across the stage, get my diploma, and then.....
And I'm exhausted on about every level possible.  Who's crazy idea was adulthood and self-sufficiency?  I'm thinking kibbutz, Peter Pan, or some combination of the 2.

On a more positive note, because I refuse to be 100% self-defeating - I have a summer job (continuation of internship, but paid!!!!), I had 2 job offers, I have ANOTHER job interview (peds in-patient psych.).
I have amazing people in my life.  Just when I think I'm ready to throw in the towel and curl up on the floor in a fetal position, I am reminded again of how much I love and how much I am loved.  It's a very nice thing.
Between the end of classes and graduation, I will be going to GA to meet my bone marrow recipient.  I'm a whole ball of emotions about that process, and will probably not fully know how I feel until I'm back in Boston on May 14th.

I think I need a pedicure and a vacation.

...knitting with like-minded people
...warm, sunny days
...Mt. Auburn Cemetery
...reflections

Remember when I said I wanted to lose weight?  And then I haven't said much since then?
Guess what?!  -10 lbs today :-)
That means that I reached my goal a week early (therefore, I set a new goal for next week) and I'm so proud of myself *pats on the back.*

Big shift in supervision today at internship - I confessed that I didn't like a family and rather than shooting me down (I was a bit concerned), M was validating, supportive, and coached me in dealing with them in spite of that fact.  After a shitty start, this has been a great learning experience and wonderful internship.

And back to the grindstone.