Today I feel thankful

I find this blog inspirational and a reminder of the important things.  I used to log into bloglines (which will be no more as of November 1st) regularly, read people's blogs and live vicariously through them.  I don't do that anymore, rarely even remembering to check on a monthly basis.  But when I do, this is one that makes me want to blog more.  Then I remember my unease with sharing that publicly (see a few entries ago).  I have decided that rather than maintaining my previously (minimally maintained) bitch fest, I'm re-inventing my blog and myself as a blogger.  I will not use my blog to air dirty laundry, over-share about things personal self-indulgently whine*.  Instead, I am transforming my blog into a public reminder to myself of all the things that make me thankful, grateful, and delightedly content.

Today I went to a beautiful memorial service for an amazing man.  I hadn't been to a funeral/memorial service for a while, maybe since 2003.  This one was at a small Reform synagogue in Winchester.  The sanctuary was dark hard wood with understated stained class windows.  It was small, but made the service feel more intimate.  This amazing Renaissance man died too early from a horrible relapse of cancer, but his wife spoke so eloquently about how at peace he was, even through his final days.  And how lucky she and the rest of the immediate and extended family were to be with Peter.  She maintained amazing composure as she read a letter that he had written to the rabbi prior to their marriage about why he wanted to marry her.  And their 14 year son sat and listened, his eyes glistening with tears.  This man was so loved and touched so many.  All in all, it truly was a celebration of his life. 

Death does funny things to people.  Sometimes it makes us regress, behaving like a small child.  Sometimes it makes us angry.  Today, it made me thankful.  Thankful that I was able to know Peter and be touched by him.  And hopeful.  I hope to be as lucky as Peter - to have people love me so dearly and come together to celebrate my life.  But I have much to do before then. 

*I might slip occasionally

Crunchy leaves and warm sweaters

Inspired by a lovely fall day in New England...  What I love about fall.

1.  Crunchy leaves
2.  Fall colors
3.  Sweaters (curreny favorite from Gap Outlet)
4.  Apple picking (next weekend perhaps?)
5.  Blankets
6.  Walks
7.  Hot cider
8.  "Anniversaries"
9.  Soups and stews
10. Knitting

Well hello!

Inspired to blog by a fellow knitter’s Ten on Tuesday despite it not being Tuesday.  This could be a blip on the radar or my entre back into the world of blogging, which has become an increasingly uncomfortable place for me to be.  I think, as I get older (mature is a stretch!), I feel less and less of a need to share so widely my me.  However, sometimes even I deviate.

Without further ado - 10 things you like about where you live.

1. I love that when I have both of my bedroom windows open, the breeze is refreshing, the curtains blow, and I can hear the mundane noises of life around me. 

2. I love that I have a cherry tomato plant, that I have not killed, producing fruit (35 not yet red cherry tomatoes) on my deck.

3. I love that I have a deck.

4. I love that I also have a basil plant, next to my tomato, on the deck.  It is also thriving and green.

5. I love that I live near everything I need (and despite that I drive almost everywhere).

6. I love that I feel at home in Cambridge and the only thing that makes me want to leave is the stupidly high cost of living.

7. I love that I work less than 2 miles from my house.

8.  I love that I can drive 25 minutes and not be in the city at all.  Or, in the same amount of time, I can hop on the T and be in the center of Boston.

9. I love the diversity of Boston and suburbs.

10. I love the proximity to Cape Cod and Martha’s Vineyard.  And the fact that I can get my beach fix much closer as well.

Moving On?

So for a long time, I wasn't there.  I mean, I'd say "yeah, I need to move on," but words and practice are quite different.  I think I'm baby steps closer to practice, but wondering...  how does this work?

I am:
A dedicated and loyal friend

I am also tired.  And this moving on business is much harder that I ever imagined.

Why now?

Livejournal just told me my last entry was 28 weeks ago...  So why am I feeling compelled to write something now?  I think because Facebook is too public, writing in a notebook is too private (I spend enough time in my own head as it is), so this seems appropriate.

I'm moving, again.  Seems like I can't ever stay in one place for more than a yr or 2 despite the knowledge that moving makes me nearly paralyzed with anxiety and tearful at the drop of a hat.  I hate packing, I hate unpacking, and I hate (in some ways) change.

2 such examples of tearfulness (albeit somewhat appropriate).
1.  When my brother and sister were little, we had a book called Papa, Please Get the Moon for Me.  It's a wonderful book and often when I'm calling my dad, the title pops into my head.  I mentioned it to him the other day:
Me: Sometimes when I call you, I want to say "papa, please get the moon for me"
Daddy: I remember that book.  And I would, if you asked me to.

2.  I called my 17 yr old (and sometimes, appropriately, very adolescent) brother to ask him if he could help me move:
Me:  E, are you available next weekend to help me move?
Brother: Yeah, maybe.  Why?  I thought you had it under control?
Me:  Yeah, I kind of do, but I'm getting really anxious about the whole thing and would rather have you and Daddy here to help if you are available.  If not, it's OK.
Brother:  No, I think that would work.  Would you want us to come on Friday?
Me:  Whatever works for you.  Why don't you talk to Dad and let me know.
Brother:  OK, I'll call you in a bit.  I love you.

I'm lucky.  I know that.  Sometimes I need hourly reminders, but I do know it.  And yet, I'm still struggling with everything that's occurred over the last year or so.  So today, even though I know how lucky I am, I am sad.

Perhaps a resurface, or maybe just a blip :-)

A silly quiz!

1. Name one song that reminds you of an ex.
Stumped on the 1st question - this does not bode well for me

2. Where was your default pic from?
Walden Pond, Fall 2006  

3. What's your middle name?

4. Relationship status?
Um, complicated?

5. How do you feel about kids?
I love them!  Particularly when I can play with 'em and then go home :-)  But I'm also really looking forward to having my own.

6. What is your current mood?

7. What color underwear are you wearing?
White, I'm kinda boringly attired today

8. What makes you happy?
Family, good friends, puppies, cuddly babies,

9. What makes you sad?
Lots of things

10. What life experience do you feel you haven't had yet, but want to?
Being a momma

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you be?
I think a monkey, then I could throw poop at people that piss me off

12. Ever had a near death experience?

13. Something you do a lot?
Knit, talk, watch TV

14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
Old skool 90210 music

15. Who did you copy and paste this from?

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
An old college friend

17. When was the last time you cried?
Today, I was reading this blog

18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Yeah, I was a diva in my day

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Get my way, always ;-)

20. First thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Face (general, yes)

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Grande non-fat hazelnut latte

22. Favorite romantic gesture?
I forget what romance is

23. Favorite color?
Sometimes pink, lately I've been liking orange

24. When was the last time you lied?
No idea

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
On occasion

26. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Silly TV shows on DVD (currently watching 90210, Season 1)

27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Just finished stuffed salmon and steamed veggies - yum!

28. Do you speak any other language?
Minimal French, more minimal Spanish.  And I was getting towards fluent-ish in ASL, but don't use it enough.

29. What's your favorite smell?
Oh, interesting question.  Ocean and clean sheets from the clothesline.

30. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be?

31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
I think last nite when I left a friend's house

32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?

33. What are you thinking about right now?
90210, getting in my PJs, dessert

34. What should you be doing?
Cleaning the house

35. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
A situation at work - not angry, just really sad

36. Do you like yourself?
Yeah, most of the time.

37. Do you like working in the yard?
I think I would like to have a small garden, but in the past, no.

38. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
What a bizarre question.  I'm pretty content with my current last name.

39. Do you act differently around your crush?
Yeah, probably

40. How many times have you fallen madly in love?
A few

41. Are you still in love with your partner?
See #4

42. What is the biggest dream you have had manifest?
Being an adult?  I don't know.  These questions are getting too deep for a Saturday evening.

43. What is your dearest dream you have had to leave behind?
Having kids, but it's just been temporarily left behind.

44. What are some of your favorite toys (kids' toys, not grown-up toys)?
I love [some] board games, coloring is quite relaxing too.

45. What is your darkest desire?
See #42

46. Of all the things you have had to give up on your path in this life, what do you miss the most?
I'm trying not to have regrets, but I miss semi-constant companionship

47. What change are you working on?
Stability, being a control freak, acceptance

48. Do you have any friends you just can't stand?
Yeah :-(

49. What are your top five prized possessions (tangible objects)?
Too deep for me right now

50. If you were having a platonic friend visit for a week, what are some things you would want to do with them?
I agree with Siercia - Depends on the friend, and what they liked to do.

Because I should do be doing a number of things......

This is what happens when I'm getting ready to go on a trip - I've started too many knitting projects, shopped too much, and now this!  Clearly I am not packing for Israel or cleaning up the house.

Bold the ones that you have done, commentary/explanations are welcome.  I've done exactly 1/2.  This reminds me of the "Life List" that I wrote in 7th grade....  I should go back and revisit that - it would be interesting to see how much like and not like my 7th grade self I am :-)

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee Jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (it didn’t last long)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (I can’t, but I donated bone marrow)
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (in my bed right now)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (thank you “Publishing Lab” in elementary school!)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem (well, I will in 3 days)
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had Chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life (see #64)
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

Long overdue

I've been remiss in my blog up-keep.  It COULD be very therapeutic, but instead I find myself needing to be vague, guarded, and it's the antithesis of therapy.  And really, who wants to read the weekly travails of a weepy and mostly sad me?  I don't even want to read that shit and I'm living it. 

And now for the good stuff... 
Things that suck
Feeling rootless
Not having a permanent full time job
Being sad

Things that don't suck:
3 months off anti-depressants!
Finally going to Israel
Knitting socks

When I was little, and similarly tending towards the negative, my mom used to ask me how school was.  I would list a ton of shitty things 1st.  Momma made a rule - for every bad thing, I had to have 3 good.  I should implement that in my daily life again I think.

Still here

Yep, I'm still alive and breathing, despite no posts for over a month.  Maybe that will be my September resolution?  Probably not though - I'm hoping for a real job by then....